Penumbra
by Jewell21
Summary: Zuko loves his wife. Really, he does. Semi-DARK fic, Zutara.


Penumbra; – [_an area in which something exists, to an uncertain degree_]

i.

Zuko loves his wife. Really, he does.

They have been married for five years, six months, and twenty-two days. He tries not to think of this, but it is hard. To him, it seems like a countdown to the inevitable deterioration of their marriage. Zuko wonders sometimes when this day will come. He thinks it will be when his wife eventually dies, or when he can no longer give her this false hope that's killing her.

Katara wants children. Well, they both do, but Katara is more determined in this sense, while Zuko is afraid. This fact is pushing them together, but also tearing them apart. No one has to ask; he is the ruler of the Fire Nation, and so their private lives are on display for everyone to see. It is common knowledge that the Fire Lord and Lady have had four children. And they lost all of them.

Zuko doesn't like to think of this as well. After all of their dead children, Katara wants to continue, but Zuko can't.

He knows it will kill her.

ii.

It is in their first year of marriage when everyone in the family – Iroh, Ursa, Katara, and himself – are at the dinner table and she tells them. Happily, and with a gleam in her eye: she's pregnant. His wife is practically glowing; he realizes then that she is extremely happy. After years of taking care of their adopted family, she is finally becoming the mother she is already so good at being.

Everyone is overjoyed. Ursa rubs her then flat belly and wishes her good luck. Iroh offers tea recipes for expecting mothers. And Zuko only smiles at her the way husbands can; he's never loved her more. That night, he holds his wife to him and trails a hand down her stomach, imagining the life that will grow there. He loves her.

The first weeks sail smoothly and Katara is so excited that she starts to prepare a nursery. Zuko thinks it's silly, but enjoys watching his beloved wife dance around the chosen room, day-dreaming of their family. She is determined to have a boy, not because they need one (but that is true too), but because she wants a little piece of her husband.

She is in the city doing charity work, when it happens. On this particular fall day, she is at an orphanage, volunteering to improve the children's living conditions. She is sitting in a large hallway, painting a mural, a hobby that she discovered after the war. It is of children running through a field of panda and fire lilies. They are her favorite flowers.

It happens spontaneously, and she gasps, surprised at the pain. Quickly, she tells all of the children to go and get more paint – they don't need to see this. The delicate paintbrush falls from her hands as she stumbles, rising desperately to search for her guards. _This can't be happening,_ she thinks.

When she finally finds them, they gape at the front of her, looking horrified.

She's covered in blood.

iii.

Katara locks herself in the nursery while she heals. Zuko doesn't think it's such a good idea, but he doesn't argue. The loss of their first child hits him hard. He has forgotten this could happen, and so he never saw it coming.

When his wife seems better, she comes back to him. But she is tired, and he is tired and Zuko wonders if they've aged ten years; it certainly feels like it. He hopes to Agni that she's really happy. They lie in bed one night and she asks him something that makes him think that she's not.

"Burn the painting," she whispers to him. "Please."

He looks at her oddly, trying to process the request he doesn't understand. With a nod of his head, he agrees, and pulls her close. They make love again, for the first time in a long time. It is different this time though, and they both know it. This is far away from their typical passionate affairs; it is laced with pain and sadness – it is a last declaration of love. Zuko desperately hopes that everything will be okay.

Sometime later she comes to him privately and tells him that she is expecting. He is taken by surprise and suddenly doesnt want any of this. He is very afraid that she will lose this one too, and he can't imagine what will happen then.

But his wife is smiling at him, and it's infectious, so he takes her hand and smiles too. He tells her that he's happy.

It was the first lie he told her.

iv.

It's Katara's second miscarriage and Zuko is sitting at her bedside, while she cries silently. He feels horribly sick to his stomach and wants to get away from this nightmare (because what else could it be?).

It takes longer for Katara to recover this time; she was twenty weeks pregnant, halfway there. It is more difficult emotionally for her to get over it too; she could feel the baby inside her, seemingly full of life…and then not.

The Sages are wondering if she's infertile. Zuko knows this cannot be true since she can get pregnant. Their problem is actually keeping the baby alive. Partially, he blames himself. There must be something about them, he believes, that is so different that it isn't compatible. He doesn't think that his wife will ever carry his child. He knows this will break her heart.

Iroh tries to convince him that he can't know this for sure, that children are born from two different nations all the time.

It was a boy. They name him and bury his ashes.

v.

He tells her he doesn't want to do it anymore, after their third baby dies.

She sits there quietly fuming, but Zuko knows what he is saying is right. The third miscarriage is like the second, traumatic, and there's a tiny body to mourn over. His wife seems all but numb now, desperate and wild in her attempts to achieve what she wants.

Zuko refuses however, to bury his wife.

"You can't do this to me," she whispers, tears streaming down her face.

He looks away. "We can't keep doing this, Tara. Every time we try it's dangerous for you." He swallows, desperate to find a way not to say his next words. But no opportunity presents itself and he continues, "I will not put you in the ground too."

She flinches then, but Zuko knows that his wife doesn't give up so easily. He wants to tell her that there are other options; that they could adopt and have children, but he knows that she won't listen. She wipes her tired face and looks at him very seriously. He is somewhat afraid then, afraid that whatever she says he will agree to.

"One more time," she pleads. "If it doesn't work, we can stop." He notices that she's not making any promises.

Zuko is glaring at her, hoping that the fourth one doesn't kill her. "Fine."

His wife smiles.

vi.

She is seven months pregnant now, and Zuko is trying not to get too hopeful. But his wife – being the optimist that she is – believes this is it, this is the one. Though sometimes it is difficult to suppress the negative feelings he has towards this pregnancy. However, he feels like he's in a dream, where his shitty life is replaced by this seemingly ordinary one. He feels like it's too good to be true. And it is.

He is returning to their bedchamber one evening after a long day of meetings and paperwork. Upon approach he discovers frantic servants and the royal physician at his door. They are solemn when he reaches them. He doesn't have to ask if they've lost another one, he knows they have. Panicked, he pushes them aside and forces his way into the room, ignoring the protests.

He wonders, horrified, if his wife is dead.

When he enters his wife is sitting on their bed in a bloody nightgown. She is holding something in her arms and he realizes it is their baby. He feels nauseous.

She looks at him then, gripping the thing closer to her. "She's dead," his wife cries.

A daughter. They name her Kya.

vii.

The royal couple retreat into themselves. They throw themselves into paperwork and try not to think of their buried children. For a time, it seems to work, but just barely. Only from the outside do they seem like a normal couple.

Zuko convinces Katara into taking a contraceptive herb, which she does. He hates to see her so defeated; even though she tries to hide it, he knows that she lies awake at night, thinking about what has happened to them. He wonders if his wife hates him now, or hates herself. He knows he hates the whole Agni-forsaken situation, but doesn't speak of it. How do you talk to the mother of your dead children – about said children – when you think she'll break down from it all?

He loves his wife, but resents his marriage.

In an attempt to salvage the situation, a worried Iroh writes to Katara's brother, begging him to come. Sokka has no idea what has been going on, and he agrees to gather everyone together.

Sokka and Suki have three children. Zuko wonders sometimes if his wife stopped writing to them because of this. He hates that he thinks this of her, but hates even more that it is probably true. He can't decide however, if she is ashamed or just jealous.

Her brother arrives and Zuko can tell that Katara doesn't want to do this. She is still and calm at his side, but he knows better. The family reunites coolly, and everyone gathers around for dinner. The dining hall is loud with children's laughter and happiness; the things that normal families experience.

Except, they don't have a normal family. Zuko doubts that they ever will. He catches his wife looking longingly at their nieces and nephew. When she finally notices him, she casts him a despairing glance and all but flees the room. Sokka looks at him apologetically as his son leans in to tell Zuko a story.

He feels like a caged animal, and everyone is staring at his failure.

viii.

His brother-in-law tells him that he looks like a forty year old man.

At that point in time, Zuko is only twenty-seven years old. He knows better than to be offended by Sokka's comment, because he knows it's true. When he looks at himself in the mirror, he hardly recognizes the man looking back. He is so tired, and he knows he shouldn't be feeling middle-aged, but life is unkind and so these things go.

His wife however, remains untouched and whole, as if she possesses some impenetrable force through which the sadness that occupies their lives cannot break through. Zuko is horrifically envious, for how is it fair that he appears to have suffered so much, and her so little? He knows he cannot think like this; he knows his wife is dying though she doesn't look it, while he remains intact.

He looks anxiously for his wife, and finds her in their bedchamber, with only a robe on. Zuko is startled by this. After their fourth miscarriage, he began to see sex as a way in which he was assisting in his wife's death. But she is taking a contraceptive herb, and she's got that look in her eye, and Zuko knows that he won't be able to resist.

Agni, he _loves _his wife.

The next morning Zuko wakes to find his wife gone. He is not surprised for she rarely sleeps now. With a sigh he gets up and starts to get ready for his day. While fixing his topknot in their bathroom, he notices something odd.

It's his wife's unused bag of contraceptive tea herbs. She'd been faking.

Zuko cusses.

ix.

It's already too late for Zuko to be angry, though he struggles to be. His wife is pregnant indeed, for the fifth time. Zuko is more afraid than ever. Their doctors specifically told her that she should not get pregnant again, for fear of her safety, and here she is, breaking all the rules. He is certain his wife is either crazy, or wildly passionate.

He watches anxiously – as his wife grows, as she eats her special diet, as she walks around the gardens – looking for any indication that she will lose the baby. Eventually she gets so frustrated by her husband that she water-whips him away and tells him to leave her alone.

They see the physician weekly. As disapproving as he was when she first came to him, he now supports her fully. She is eight months now; the farthest she'd ever been. The baby kicks all the time, but Katara loves every second of it. For Zuko, it's a strange reality check and he is absolutely terrified of being a father.

A month and a half later, it is so extremely early that it's not yet morning and Zuko is being shaken awake by his wife. Her voice is strained and he snaps awake instantly. "Are you okay? Is the baby…?"

His wife smiles, pats his cheek and tells him it's fine, but that he should really summon the physician and midwife because her water's broken.

Zuko is frantic, Katara thinks it's all very amusing, and they are going to have a _baby_.

x.

The sun is falling beneath the horizon now, and the sky is cast into tones of reds, purples, oranges, and pinks. His wife loves Fire Nation sunsets. He looks back at her, as she dozes in their bed, her arm curled protectively around a small bundle. He smiles.

Their son is born at midday, a good omen for firebenders. His wife got exactly what she wanted: a miniature replica of her husband. Despite the child's hair, which is her own, the boy looks exactly like his father.

_Father. _It is a thing that Zuko resents, hates, and embodies. He knew, once his son was born that he would never be like his father. How could he?

Slowly, he leaves the window and crosses the room to sit next to the bed. He carefully stokes a finger across his son's face. He is amazed, he is awed, he is in love. Slowly but surely, his son's eyes open and gold meets gold. In this moment, Zuko thinks it's all worth it.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm working on the next chapter for As Lovers Go, really I am.

But this was nagging so I had to write it.


End file.
